Shit shit shit. Why am I going on this trip anyway? Everyone I talk to is “so jealous” about my trip. So now I feel this obligation to have the “trip of a lifetime” just so I don’t dissapoint them. But, I don’t even know the real reasons for doing this. Sure, I’ve always wanted to do something like this, but in a very vague, general way. Now that it’s actually going to happen, I really feel like I should have more concrete reasons for picking up and leaving for a year. Ok, so let me try to figure it out:
1. Travelling educates, broadens the mind, frees one from prejudices, helps one to discover oneself, bla bla bla. Still very vague, simplistic, and perhaps naive reasons really. Some other reasons I’ve said to people, for lack of a real answer; 2. To see if I want to be a travel photographer. 3. To shoot stock images. 4. To perhaps have a show/book of my photographs when I return. What I haven’t said is that I just don’t know my real reasons. One of the unspoken reasons for going is to try to get over Robin, my girlfriend of 5 years, who dumped me last January. Is that reason enough? The other unspoken reason is that I just feel a little lost right now. I need to shake things up. My “career” as a photographer has always been a bit lackluster, to be honest. I feel a little directionless. Perhaps I need to push myself into taking better photos by going out into the world with nothing to hide behind but my camera. The other reason is that I feel like it’s now or never. I’m coming up on 38 now. I don’t have a house or kids. I haven’t had a “real job” in over a decade. If I want to take off for a year, and not have those troublesome responsibilites of mortgage, children, or job, I better do it now before I acquire any of them. Perhaps these are all just excuses. Perhaps I’ll find the real reason once I am out there. In any case, right now all I am thinking about is what I am giving up. My place, my cat, and perhaps mostly, Catherine. I miss her already and she’s not even gone yet. Why did I fall in love? It was supposed to be a simple summer romance. The only reconciliation is that she would be leaving whether I went on this trip or not. She is going off to work on a cruise ship for 6 months, perhaps longer. I would only be miserable if I stayed here. So off I go. I need to stop trying to find reasons to regret it and just GO GO GO.